honestly...

I'm frightened out of my wits to have a baby.  I know that's not a popular (or particularly motherly) sentiment, but there it is.  The ugly truth.  Last night Jim piped up with "man, it's been almost five years since you last gave birth".  That is a long time indeed.  Considering that we've only been married for seven. 

Yet.  Birthing fear is at long last superceded by fear of being pregnant forever.  Because I'm at that one-month-left spot where night sleep is elusive, day energy nonexistent, and body comfort impossible.  And laundry must still be done.  Somehow.   

But enough complaining.  I do also realize the enormous gift I'm being granted - a little life put under my protection.  Another tiny human who will no doubt refine my rough.  And soften all of our hearts.  At once.

Lately I spend a lot of time wondering about her personality.  Jim said something about her playing sports and I was shocked to realize that I had never considered that a girl of *mine* may actually have athletic inclinations.  He was sure:  "of course she will"...while I had only imagined raising a little bookworm mini-me.  It was a sort of revelation (obvious though it seems)...she may not get my intensity or booklove or round nose.  She may not be like me at all.  The possibilities are infinite.

And perhaps Jim's right about her athleticism.  She will have two sports-crazed brothers.  And she's already a major mover.  My head hits the pillow and that's when all four of her tiny limbs are set to motion.  Last night I laid in bed watching the strange dance of my tight belly.  For nearly 15 minutes it stretched and contorted at her whim.  I clapped, then talked her into sleep. 

It won't be long until my uterus will be freed of its tiny master, and the four of us entire will take over the dance to her demands.  As anxious as I am to meet her, I'm equally anxious to watch her win the hearts of the men of my house.  She will be an extraordinarily lucky girl surrounded by those three.

In that regard, just like me. 

Comments

[Marie]

Why is it that when we plan our families and get all excited about getting pregnant, we forget about the labour and delivery part? You'll do great, don't worry.

I love watching the personalities of my littles emerge. What will the lone Scott girl be like? I just can't wait.

[lelly]

i could read your words forever.

thinking of you and your men traveling toward a little love collision. standing by for great news!

[Megan]

I've decided to start commenting on blogs again, aren't you excited, yours is the first!
I love the thought of your uterus having a tiny master, it's so funny, and so true. I totally remember feeling that way, but you put it perfectly.
I'm excited for your baby to come, I just wish you lived a little closer, I LOVE newborns.

[Neighbor Jane Payne]

You are such a great writer.

I love this line because I could just picture you: "I clapped, then talked her into sleep."

[Elizabeth]

I am so excited for you to have a baby girl!

[Jill S.]

This was beautifully written!

[michelle]

I too could read your words forever.

I remember so distinctly thinking -- right up to the end of my pregnancy with Eva, to the very end! -- so I'm going to have a baby at the end of all this? She was born almost 6 years after Lucas, and man, had I forgotten a lot. Oh, but that new baby Scott will have all the men wrapped around her finger, for sure!

[Tiffany]

I think it's planned that way--that by the time you hit 9 months a mother will do about anything and suffer anything to have the baby born!

So many things to think about. I agree--it's impossible to imagine who they'll be before they come and grow and are just *them*!

All the best.

[Melissa M.]

I can't wait to meet her!

[Shanon]

I can't wait to see what she looks like and how she acts!! They come how the come that's for sure!

[Angie Ras]

It's almost here! I totally remember the end-of-pregnancy frustrations and discomfort. Can't wait to see little Mae in person!

[Brady]

awww, such a cute post!

[April]

I think it is the most motherly instinct of all to be scared out of your wits...because you only want the best of her and yet you know she's coming to a fallen world with imperfect parents. Terrifying.

And just like you in the most important way. Love it.

[Mandi]

I can't wait to meet her! She will be lucky, indeed. I think it's so cool to have older brothers and I have no doubt Aidan will be fabulous but i think you may have to watch D for smothering-by-kissing. I will be the first to tell you that you don't get mini-me's as much as it sounds nice. I don't think any of my children are like me, but then again, maybe it's too early to tell....no, they're not like me at all.

[Paula]

I am so happy for you and am sorry I missed your brunch. Of course girls can play sports and remember most women leaders learned there skills at dealing with men from their brothers.

[Price Cream Parlor]

How blessed your little family is with this gift! How blessed and fortunate SHE will be to be surrounded by so much love!
Hunter was 6 years after our last - there is much to fear and forget - but once you are there, you remember, rejoice and all is well in the world. It is really an amazing adventure so many years in the making!
So excited for you and this sweet pink blessing!