marriage (and book!) review

I started the "recent reads" section on my sidebar with good intentions.  I LOVE how April & Lucy & Jill give detailed reports on the books they devour.  It helps my own book-sifting efforts.  But somehow I'm about 15 books behind on reporting what I've read over the last few months.  I won't worry about the past (for now!), but do want to recommend something we just read for my ward book club.  

A few months ago, I was sitting with some ladies, don't remember what we were discussing, but I said something like, "Jim and I were in a huge fight...".  The discussion stopped dead as their mouths gaped open, exclaiming, "You and Jim fight?".  I felt similarly stunned that I had managed to fool them so enormously for so long.  So I'll just put this out here for all who read my blog and may be under the delusion that I'm mild & sweet...because I think Jim also semi-enjoyed that delusion before we were married.  The truth:  I'm feisty, roller-coastery emotional, selfish, proud & stubborn.  And I'm not meaning to say this in a self-denigrating way...I know that I have many positive traits as well & I have managed to tame many of these negative ones. 

My point:  living with me is not always fun. 

Similarly:  living with Jim is not always fun either.  

I know I gush a lot about my husband on my blog, and it's all sincere, but it definitely does not mean that we have a perfect marriage (and that's not a false image I'm purposefully trying to portray).  He IS the love of my life, but even that does not mean that we had the same upbringing, speak the same language, share the same expectations & desires.  There are plenty of kinks to sort through in this messy process of making One of Two. 

I've been reading this book off & on since January and it has brought a few big Aha! moments.  With subtle changes here & there...and just by discussing parts of the book with Jim..I can honestly say that I'm happier in my marriage than I have ever been.  It has already worked some magic.

 

A few women who read the book were annoyed that it doesn't give equal time to the proper care & feeding of wives...because she does seem to harp on the shortcomings of women.   Of course, being the non-nagging, forever praising, perfect cleaning, lingerie-wearing super-wife that I am, I wasn't bothered.  HA!  Seriously though, I felt more like she was obviously giving extreme examples most of the time.  And parts of the book that made me prickly skinned likely did so for good reason!  Introspection is not always a delight.  

Anyhow...10 great quotes from the book to further pique your interest: 

• Many women get tripped up when they try to measure their husbands' love by what the media or their friends tell them it should look like instead of by the husbands' own unique actions.
• That men do not emote pain, hurt and despair like women do seems to mean to some women that men are not feeling anything.  The truth is men suck it up and just try to get along in life in general and with us in particular.
• Controlling and giving are opposites, and giving is a more powerful tool than controlling to get what you want as a wife.
• The cruelest thing a wife can do to a husband is to never be happy.
• Literally hundreds of men have written to me about their pain with being marginalized after the children were born.  Some women tend to get very self-centered when they have babies.  They begin to think that their babies are the center of the universe, and their husbands are just supposed to hang out like Uranus and keep revolving around you whether or not they're getting anything back.  Doesn't work that way.  People start getting rejected, they start feeling alienated.  With men, that makes them unmotivated to be romantic back on your schedule.  
• ...the vast majority of men feel that attitude, demeanor, and behavior take a front seat to perfect skin.  When a wife behaves sexily, handles herself alluringly, and by the way she looks at her husband, touches him, and talks to him conveys her interest, love, respect and attraction, frankly, he'll go anywhere and do anything and slay all the dragons for his family.  On the other hand, if she's too busy whipping him into shape so that her world is ordered, and she forgets to be his companion, his lover, his woman, then he'll forget Valentine's Day, anniversaries, and birthdays, and all romance.  
• Complaining does not lead to anything good.  But appreciation does lead to something good.
• The very act of criticism destroys warm feelings toward the target of that criticism.
• The husband who has a wife who supports him and praises him for the positive things he does is the envy of all the other men who have to live with criticism, sarcasm, and constant reminders of their failures.
• Frankly, in order for either party in a marriage - as well as the children - to stay balanced and centered, a reasonable amount of quiet time, alone time, is necessary...It is a responsbility of both spouses to refresh themselves so that they can give their best to their relationship and their family.

Comments

[Tiffany]

Good for you! Isn't it always easiest to see and talk about negative than praise the good (especially for my kids)? Thanks for sharing thoughts from this book. Another one to write on the list... :)

[Melissa Masitis]

How nice to read some positive thoughts on the book
:) This book really did make me a happier wife.

[April]

I think that is the best line..."The cruelest thing a wife can do to a husband is to never be happy." Thank you for the reminders.

I have always heard such good things about this book...never picked it up though. And p.s. I have loved every book you have ever recommended. And I have discriminating taste, so there!

[Mandi]

I just read the "communication" chapter last night and it had a ton of applicable things for me personally (I should have finished it before book club). In the beginning of the book, I wasn't sure about it because I couldn't believe women actually treated their husbands that way, but along with that, there were some great insights that have helped me be better for sure. It's good to be reminded how differently men think than women and then go from there.

[Megan]

I really agreed and enjoyed these excerpts. I'll have to read the book, someday in the future...who knows when that will be. Thanks for sharing.

[Kelly]

Interesting. I never read books like this -- ever! So, thanks for the vicarious advice.

[carlo]

this blog thing really is amazing...

i am not a dr laura fan. in fact when i saw the cover pop up i was tempted to just skip to somewhere else BUT i read what you pulled out and i must say, i can take away some wisdom from it. interesting how that works.

i can honestly say that this year of blogging has opened my mind to much that i never would have even given a second thought to.

thanks for that, friend!

[Jill]

Claudia tried to get me to read this a long time ago, but I just couldn't do it. It makes me so mad that women have to put all the work into relationships and that the men never do. I have another friend who read this and swears that it works and that it's so easy once you put these things into affect, but I think my husband doesn't fit any "normal" guy mold so these things never work for me. Aargh. I appreciate the quotes and may think about reading it at some point.

[Kelly]

Okay, I didn't mean for my "interesting." to imply anything other than it's true meaning. I'm not a Dr. Laura fan and never would have picked up this book to read, but I found a lot of wisdom in your highlights.

[Shanon]

I read this book a few years ago. I rememeber thinking it was good. I should re-read it. Hey that makes 6 books in the last 10 years! I forgot about this one!

[Katie]

That just got added to my reading list. In my oppinion, Mike and I have a good, strong relationship, but you can never go wrong trying to make it better and stronger.

[Rachel]

Great post. Making marriage easier is always a great endeavor. I will have to get the book. I too was shocked to learn that you and Jim fought. Boy, would I love to be a fly on the wall. :)

[Lucy]

I can't even imagine the kinds of reviews you will write. You will be a resource for me, no doubt.

I have never read this book. I don't like Dr. Laura, personally, because I think she is mean to people in pain and I am a believer in optimism and encouragement. But, all of your bullet points are things I also believe. I wish she didn't yell at people so much. I might buy her books otherwise.

Good review.

[Marie]

Good advice, all.

(And I am sure you are a superwife)

[Amberly]

I liked that this post had a personal element, rather than simply a "review" of the book. While I only know you through your fabulous blogging skills, I think we have similar marriage relationships- love like crazy, but two very different people. Thanks for sharing your insight, and fessing up to the fact that you're not perfect!

[jenny c.]

My favorite is the last line and something I totally lack. I think your blog is honest and I never would have thought you were perfect. Really who is? I think you seem to show a good balance and that is all we are striving for right? I need to get that book since this is the 3rd recommendation. What am I waiting for?

[michelle]

Very interesting thoughts here. I have avoided this book because I tend to get my hackles up thinking about the women doing all the work, but like you said, the things that get us all prickly-skinned are probably for good reason! I may have to re-think this one.

[Amy]

Amy....
Can you please email me regarding the info below? thanks!

rhettbryan@bellsouth.net

I have a question about the letters you used on my magnet/frame you made me for Pink Christmas!
Where did you get the letters? :)
Thanks!!!
Amy

[Neighbor Jane Payne]

Amy, I, too, loved this book. I thought it was very insightful and taught me several things and reaffirmed others. It was humbling to read it, but I was glad I did. I'm glad you enjoyed it, too.

[Megan T.]

I have got to get that book. I loved all the quotes you put in their and I know you say that there is an amount of riffs between you and 'your jim' but I can hardly believe such a thing.

[Nina]

Amy, I so enjoyed your insight and the quotes from the book I am going to buy and read it we can all do better even when we have been married for 30years thanks for reminding to be a much better wife and companion.....

[Annalisa]

In case I gave off the wrong impression I fight with Brett. And I nag and I complain and I am not always happy with him. That's my biggest issue is finding the balance between picking your battles/letting the little things slide and approaching a subject that's going to be a fight because you need it fixed.
I've had this book recommended to me, but I too am not a Dr. Laura fan so I probably won't read it. But I like your quotes. It's stuff I've heard elsewhere and I know it's true.