NOT my dentist

Last night was of the toss & turn variety.  Why?  This morning I had my first dentist appointment in a shockingly long time. I happily go to the eye doctor because I have beautiful eyes.  The tooth doctor scares me simply because I do not have beautiful teeth.  And I have this abnormal fear of an imagined conversation after I leave their office..."can you believe that girl's mouth?  why didn't she ever have braces?  and what about those gaps in the front?".  But, pride had to be set aside because a tooth had chipped around an old filling, and it hurt.  I called around & thought I found a decent office. 

The first words (as in before "hello" or introductions) that came out of my new dentist’s mouth today: “I’m not much of a Dolly Parton fan (I was half browsing through a magazine that had her picture on the cover). I mean I know she’s blonde and has got it all (?!), but she’s just not attractive to me…doesn’t even make my Top 10. I like blondes mostly, strawberry blondes are alright…brown can be okay, but not too dark and definitely not black. I think Heather Locklear would be my number 1, really.”

Nice to meet you, too. Don’t mind my dark brown hair, please. And I’ll try not to be sorely disappointed that I have zero chance of making your Top 10.

Other lovely tid-bits from the three hours I spent with this man who will not become my permanent dentist:

• Hands & drill in my mouth, he asked a question. When I didn’t reply (obviously!), he cleared his throat and high-voiced a “thank you very much dr. ____, you’re so good at this.” His tools were out by this time, so I offered a swift, “Thanks for answering for me.” To which he replied, “That’s what we men are here for - to speak for our women” (…and I thought I had escaped that “our” by the blessed darkness of my hair).
• I picked up that he was divorced…as was his cute assistant. One conversation he initiated with her mid-drilling: “When I needed a dental assistant, I knew I wanted someone good, but I didn’t know God would send me someone so good-looking” (sidenote: she was blonde).
• She was later talking about a movie she wanted to check out to watch with her daughters this weekend. He: “I’ll come over and watch it, too, if you make popcorn.” She: “I don’t like popcorn” (I wouldn't be surprised if it was *that single moment* that decided her on the popcorn issue). 
  
• Later still (did I mention that I was there for 3 hours?):  "Last year I dated a woman who had horrible teeth.  I started working on them...did like $20,000 worth of stuff, but she broke up with me half-way through, so it was really awkward to finish it all."
  

Maybe they talked about my not-quite-pearly whites after I left, but I comfortably think I have more on him than he does on me.  Diseases of the mouth come in a wide variety.  Evidently.

Comments

[Jill]

Ew...I'm grossed out by your dentist. That must have been the longest 3 hours ever!

[Ruby Red]

Loved that spin "Diseases of the mouth come in a wide variety. Evidently." Indeed

[Rachel]

Loved the post. So funny...sorry that it was at your expense. I'm shocked that he's divorced. That means someone had to marry him in the first place. Happy dentist hunting.

[Neighbor Jane Payne]

Oh ho, "Diseases of the mouth come in a wide variety" this summed it all up nicely!

[Kelly]

Oh. my.

I had to have Keith come read this. His eyes were just big, he shook his head and said, "Wow."

[Megan]

I am laughing out loud. What a crusty guy! I would have been relieved having dark hair. And what's all this about hating your teeth? I think you have a great smile, they're straight and pretty.

[kim sue]

I generally hate going to the dentist but I might never go if I had that experience! Sorry that a bad situation turned into a nightmare!

[mandy]

I hate going to the dentist too! I seriously almost get panic attacks. I can't believe you had such an icky dentist on top of it. I would be scarred for life. Maybe I already am. :)

Lucky you to be a brunette!

[carlo]

he is divorced? really>? what woman would let "that catch" go?? (obviously a SMART ONE!)

ew, ew, ew. that is all i can really muster.

other than, it is bad enough to go to the dentist (sorry keith) but to endure THAT for 3 hrs? oh my.

and, at least you knew you could blog about it. did that help? :)

[Emily]

Yuck, ew, sick, wrong, and disgusting. Maybe when Dr. Norton comes to town you can get on the friends of Dr. Norton plan. My only problem with him is not laughing while he's trying to work on my mouth. i don't know why, I just have a hard time taking him seriously.

[April]

oh.my.gosh.

Seriously!

The last two sentences...brilliant...I'm dying over here. I think you should send him a "no thank you note" with Heather Locklear on the front.

[Shanon]

Oh my goodness!! I know of a few dentist that are good if you need help finding one. And all of them are really good and not creepy and happily married.

[Krystal]

Hey Amy-it's Krystal Adams from the ward. I wish I could have helped you...I am a dental hygienist and I have worked with a lot of good NORMAL dentists. I'm sorry your experience was not so good, there are some really crazy dentists out there as well.

Anyway I will email you an invite to view my blog.

[Melissa Masitis]

Hey, I am looking for a good dentist, and I'm blonde, what's his name?

[Tiffany]

What an experience! I, too, totally agreed with your summation. How can a "professional" like that stay in business? Strange, strange, strange. (At least it makes a kind-of funny story after the fact!)

[Amy]

eewww....
gross....

I agree with the post about sending him a "thank you" with Heather Locklear on it!!!

[Marie]

This is the best dentist story ever. I laughed out loud, it was so funny. Okay, maybe it wouldn't have been funny if I was the one in the dental chair, trapped for three hours, but sitting comfortably in my home thousands of miles away it is highly amusing!

Dare I venture a guess that you will not be risking any more dental encounters anytime soon?

And PS: I am willing to bet you have beautiful teeth. How about you SPT them?

[Elizabeth]

Oh how gross. Definitely not your permanent dentist.

[Jaime]

Oh NO! That's hilarious! I'm sorry you had to go through that for 3 hours! If you are willing to travel, I have a cousin that is an awesome dentist I think on Power Rd. He just recently moved his office, so I'm not 100% sure. Look up Kristopher Heap DDS. Good luck!! p.s. Love your pics of the dunes!

[Lucy]

I know for a fact that your area is flooded with descent and honorable dentists, because I personally know several of them. How did you find this joker?

[jenny c.]

I am glad you aren't going back to that man. I wish I had a name, but sadly Doug's dad is retired, but I do know of a few friends that are dentists now. Let me know if you want their names. And where have I been on your blog. I feel so out of the loop, your strike the dunes. Glad I am caught up now :)

[megan T]

you have to tell me what office you went to cause I never ever want to accidentally end up there. That must have been horrible for you. too bad you couldn't pretend like you were sleeping through it!

[Mandi]

That is hilarious! I had no idea he was such a freak! I'm sorry that you have to be back in his office this morning to fix that temporary crown that he obviously didn't attach very well.

[Annalisa]

That brand of male cocky jerkiness always gets my blood curling. I'm irritated a billion times over for you. And I'm pretty sure posting about said jerk vs a few comments to an unsympathetic assistant wins.

[Barb]

Karma has not struck you for sharing this story. It just turns out that he is a bad dentist in more than one way. Lucky for you, a fabulous dentist is moving to Arizona this summer.

[michelle]

EW! I think the worst part was him saying that that's what men are for -- to speak for their women! EW!

And I thought MY 3-hour dentist experience was bad... you topped it for sure. Hope you find a better dentist soon!