roller coaster

I had no plans to post today. It has been one of those days where you look back and realize you should have just covered your head & stayed in *the cozy* of the bed. And on the heels of such a lovely Love day. I hope I'm not alone in this, but some days I just really don’t want to be a person. A pencil or a postcard, please. I think nearly everyone I encountered today would have liked to see me magic wanded into inanimate. I’m not one to sit & suffer silently. Oh no, this girl leaves a path of destruction in her wake. Or sometimes that’s how I feel. My poor littles got the brunt of Mom’s bad mood today. They were holy terrors, but as I sit now, I honestly wonder if they merely stumbled on my cue cards that were dropped along the rampage road. Settled in spirit, I want to go in their rooms to love & reassure. But, with the I-couldn’t-face-it reality of them possibly waking up, I refrain.

It confuses me. Yesterday I knew I had the best life in the world. And it’s not that I’ve been barraged by any *bad* today. My life is still the same pile of circumstances & events, but all a little dulled.

So here I am. Trying to remember the good. And wondering why we have to polish so often to maintain that sheen.

I think yesterday was honestly the most enjoyably memorable Valentine’s day I’ve had. Dinner done, kids in bed, Jim & I were flipping between VH-1 & CMT Greatest Love Song countdowns. This spurred us into reminiscing about the music that brought us together. In our “just friends” stage, we used to spend hours in his truck listening to music and talking, arguing over lyrics, ignoring all the feelings evoked between us. Last night we were largely horrified by the countdowns on t.v., and decided to make a Top 10 Love Songs list of our own. The party, of course, moved to the office, where we looked up & listened to all of our favorites. A true trip through so so many memories.  I think every couple should do this together.

Here was our Top 10 (arrived at with much conversation & narrowing):

1. Southwestern State by 7 Mary 3

2. In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel

3. Raining in Baltimore by Counting Crows

4. Crazy by Dave Matthews Band

5. Hang by Matchbox 20

6. All I Want is You by U2

7. Unbreak My Heart by Toni Braxton

8. Every Little Thing She Does is Magic by The Police

9. Black by Pearl Jam

10. Don’t Follow by Alice in Chains

Ya, I know that some of these are the opposite of a traditionally categorized “Love Song”, but we have to pay tribute to the fact that much of our pre-marriage “together” was spent in the lovely state of “not”. These are the songs that are Ours, the raw Us really. Especially “Southwestern State”. If you’ve never listed to that one by 7 Mary 3, do. I think the commonality of all of these songs is tugging,hungry,crazy emotion.

Perhaps that’s why I can have this amazing night followed by a hellish day. Tugging,hungry,crazy emotional has its price. Perhaps.

Oh, I need to add a few bits of GOOD, GOOD NEWS.

1. What really got me to sit down in front of the computer tonight was an e-mail from my friend Sheri, who started a blog! Yay. I am truly excited about this. I met Sheri in Cub Scouts. We were both in our late 20’s, recently married, hugely pregnant and due within a few weeks of each other. And a quick 18 months later we both had baby #2. Those were crazy years…jumping into motherhood with breath held, hoping for the best. We were both busy and never did too much together, but somehow still managed to feel a strong sense of “kindred”. She is the one person from that ward who I’ve missed since we moved a year and a half ago. We were together when we started our families. That carries a special kind of importance to me. I am crazy excited to keep up with her life in this new forum.

2. I got a beautiful Valentine’s Card from Amy M. I am continually amazed by her. Thank you, Amy.

3. Annalisa sent me & my boys some great Good Mail. Alexis’s artwork on the front of the package was beyond cute.  She sent my boys a monkey card game (that they LOVE).  She sent me a notepad & sticky pad with gel pens.  The pattern on the pad was 100% Amy.  It amazes me that we get such true glimpses of each other in this strange world of blogging.  Thank you, Annalisa & Alexis.

Judy talked about this roller coaster of high's & low's in one of her posts.  I'll link it here because there was some sound advice to those prone to high high's and low low's (tell me I'm not alone!). 

I won't run the risk of waking the littles, but after my pause to write about last night's loveliness, I think I do need to wake up my Jim to apologize forthe "not fun" phone calls of the day.  I love him.  I love them.  I just need to polish daily. 

Comments

[Kelly]

Oh, your #8 song is on a completely different list for me. I don't know if you remember that, but we'll have to discuss that off the blog. I've never heard Southwestern State, but I will check it out. All I Want is You is one of my faves.

I noticed you were AWOL in the blogging world today. I'm sorry you were having such a bad day. It's strange how sometimes the best can be followed up with just yuck. The bracken. The nice thing about life is that tomorrow is a new day. The boys will wake up fresh, and so will you.

[lelly]

*hugs*
i was hanging on to the bottom rung of the ladder yesterday, as well.
thanks for the reminder of all of those great late 80s/early 90s tunes. good music memories touch my innermost core. songs are like snapshots for me.

[Megan]

I can so relate to the mood swings, as you already know. And my instincts are the same as yours when it comes to my boys. After a day of yelling, spanking and time-outs, I will often feel so much remorse and guilt for the way things went and how I acted. So at the end of the day I've been known to sneek in their room and cuddle them while they're sleeping. I've even on a few occasions taken them to my bed to cuddle them, Tom doesn't approve of that, which I can't blame him! But my life sometimes is ruled by my emotions, intense on both ends, and when I feel the urge to love on those little boys, I will, even if it's three in the morning!
Sorry your day sucked, I should have called you! I thought about it, should have acted!

[Mandy]

I'm sorry you didn't have a great day yesterday. I am glad that you had a nice evening the night before with your family.

Crazy is one our OUR songs to. I listened to a lot of Dave when we first started dating and actually still do. 7 Mary 3 will always remind me of my sister Amber, but we used to listen to them a lot as well.

I hope today turns out better for you!

[amy m]

I have definitely been there before when nothing is right, but nothing in my life has changed.It's confusing and hard to pin point exactly why or what causes it. Yes, I go through my own roller coaster. Happily they seem to be less frequently, but happen they do. Perhaps they happen to remind us all the good we have in our life. To help us push ourselves to go one step further. It's a mystery.

I hope this morning you are feeling better and your day is filled with happiness and love.

[Price Cream Parlor]

I often have wondered why highs are oftentimes followed by lows. No explanation. Nothing different - just a down day. Hope today is better for you!
I am going to look up the Southwestern State song - I don't think I even know what that is.
Have a good one! Enjoy your....SUN!

[Anna]

A lot of days I need a whole body/whole attitude polish...the deluxe polish...the works! Hope today is better for you.

[Annalisa]

I was going to say it was the music, but you came to that conclusion. I'm glad you liked the office supplies. Sometimes you wonder with this glimpse that you are reading people correctly. I hate and love it when I want to go kiss and hug Alexis when she's asleep and redo the whole day. Here's to a better tomorrow.

[Jordan]

It's an exhausting but worthwhile process to "maintain that sheen". The more I "read you" the more anxious I am to meet you!

[Barb]

Did you see the movie 'The Prizewinner of Defiance, Ohio'? There's one line Evelyn says at the end of a bad day that resonated for me. She said "Let's go to bed. I'm tired of this day. I need a new one." I'm always glad for a new day after a day I could have done without.

[carlo]

Oh Amy...glad the tisses are close by after reading this. Many of us have been there and I am included. Your writing shows how much you care and how it hurts your heart. Mine usually come at night after a rough day or an even part of the day that the girls won't remember but I do, my heart does. I regret the snapping at them or the frustration of a long day...thank you for writing what so many of us feel.
ps- loved the song list and the good mail pics. thanks for stopping by and commenting. i am glad i stopped by today...

[Aunt Judy]

If only we could all learn to celebrate the not-so-happy days for they give us a measurement for those days that are beautiful in their commoness, and they give us an opportunity to remember how awful we feel when the dust settles on all of the "small stuff" that seemed so big.

They remind us to stop and breathe when the oxygen leaves us, to laugh when we want to cry, to hug when we want to spank, to sing when we want to scream, to count our blessings when we raise our fist and wonder "why me? or what now? or what else?"

It's all a part of the perfection of our lives and our growth.

[Laralee Anderson]

I completely understand that feeling at the end of the day and you wonder who you turned into. I let the stress at work get to me the other day and I couldn't sleep that night because I felt so horrible about the way that I had acted.

I bought this DVD called "The Secret". It is amazing. In the video it describes what kind of effect we cause with our feelings and thoughts. This goes in both negative and positive directions. The great news is that a positive thought has more energy than a negative thought and is therefore more powerful. The fact that you wer able to reflect on it at the end of the day makes all the difference in the world.

[crystalyn]

amy i know i'm a few days late, but may i say that i have those days i need to polish. i had one last weekend. they are so hard because as you said, others follow your cues. you have a great way of writing things! what a way to describe those feelings. and i'm going to check your songs out!