the me they see

So, Jim & I were talking to a lady on Sunday.  We know her decently well on a see-you-every-Sunday, work-with-you-in-Nursery basis.  During the conversation, she turned to him, pointed to me and said, “Is she always this cheerful on Sundays?”  We looked at each other, quizzically, equally unable to respond.  Then we both chuckled, realizing there was no sarcasm and all serious in her query.  Jim answered with an all-too-quick “No.”

I have been accused of being smart, selfish, creative, thoughtless, aloof, helpful...but never cheerful.  Please don't get me wrong.  I want to be cheerful, but that brand of effusive doesn’t quite fit me.  Yet, to this person who has seen me dozens of times, I AM “that cheerful lady at church”. 

I wonder…what’s behind the plastered smiles of the ones I’ve labeled “happy” or “lucky” or “smart”…and the ever-envied, all-containing category of “together”.    

We define ourselves in specific terms that are intricately interwoven with childhood, experience, sorrows, joys & pain.  But the package we actually present might be something unrecognizable.  Oh no, that can’t be me. 

I remember the first time someone called me “elegant”. 

“No, wait, I’m the clumsy one.” 

A simple thank you would have sufficed, but the word was far too foreign for me to wear. 

But perhaps I am more elegant than I think, and perhaps I’m even cheerful.  A fight with my psyche might let me claim them both…eventually.  And while I’m at it, I just might throw a few punches for Tidy and Thrifty.  Jim would really laugh at those.

Comments

[Mandy]

I think you sound very cheerful. I only have your blog to go by but on here you sound cheerful.

I've been told a couple of times that I am a "lady.' That cracks me up. Ladies don't fall down the stairs, sprain their ankles in high heels or any shoes for that matter. In my mind, ladies are much more put together than me. They have perfect hair and makeup and are always dressed just right.

I guess I too should have just thanked them and gone on with my life, but I am still trying to figure out just what they saw.

[JoDee]

Sorry Amy but I agree that cheerful just doesn't feel right for you, not that you aren't. But I would love to be called that also and strive to be cheery on a daily basis. My family would love that! People who don't know me very well think I am creative, what a joke. You definately know that is not true, but I am good at pretending while I work on all these wonderful traits.

[Kelly]

Is it okay if I admit to a slight chuckle on the cheerful comment? It's not that you're un-cheerful, but it probably wouldn't be at the top of my list in describing you. I have a whole host of other good Amy words. One time at BYU this guy came up to me before a class and said that I looked really depressed and why was I so upset. It could have been some shmarmy pick-up line that didn't work, but it was startling to me that he thought that because I felt completely happy inside. It really opened my eyes to how much people make impressions of you when you're not realizing it. That, and the fact that maybe my face looks grumpy when at ease.

And oh, that "together" word. It all comes back to secret histories, doesn't it?

[Annalisa]

I love this post! It's so true that the people we see and what people see in us is not real. Perceptions can be so skewed.
I was on vacation with my sister and our husbands in Florida a few years ago. There was a girl in the line at Universal Studios by us that we were chatting with and later she was walking down the ramp in front of my sister. I put on a big cheezy grin and gave my sister an obnoxious wave as a joke. She overhead this girl, who probably thought I was waving at her, say "there's that really smiley girl."
We all had a big laugh about it. Sure I think I am a positive person and like to have a cheery disposition, but this girl saw an extroverted, super-friendly girl. That I am not.
Are stand-offish girls stuck up or shy? Are friendly girls extroverted or needy? I try to give people the benefit of the doubt.
But I don't trust super sweetness. I think those women are insecure. I'm not talking about charitable women who always think of others but whose wardrobes are a little off because they never think of themselves. I'm talking about women who have to have the perfect house, the perfect family, the perfect wardrobe, and then are ultra sweet to everyone they see. The ones people think are perfect. I don't trust them because I don't see the real them.

[Mandi]

Tidy and Thrifty???? I'd have to chuckle a little with Jim on that one. Or we could all ask Savannah about the car. . .

This entry made me laugh because it's all too true. In Denver, Megan and I had numerous experiences where people thought we were something we weren't. In raquetball class, people actually asked us for drugs because we were so hyper and silly together that they just figured we were high. Megan's friend, Betsy came to our house for the first time and was surprised because she had imagined us with a huge bedroom and mirrored desks where we sat and brushed our hair. I think she thought we had a perfect life -- she'd be shocked to see how our home life changed four years ago. . . has it been that long?

Hmm...it makes me think how people perceive me. I think I act like myself in public and they could draw correct conclusions about me from my actions.

[Megan]

Yes this post does make you think about how others percieve you. I've been told I come off as stuck-up and non-approachable. It makes you think about making judgements so quickly.

[code red]

The me they glimpse, to me more defines ones encounters with those that "see" us. You are everything, cheerful even at times, but it is impossible to be everything all at the same time. To get past "seeing" people necessitates history which requires experiences that means we then feel people more than see them. You feel fantastic to me. Thanks for moving through space and time the way you do.

[rebecca]

I wonder how different our own perceptions of ourselves differ daily from that which we portray. I am somewhat taken aback when I am misinterpreted, even when it is a good misinterpretation - but maybe there lies some reality in the "cheerful" and other faces that we present to others. If we wrote our own autobiographies, they would probably only cover 1/3 of our real selves. Maybe. I'm intrigued with the whole reality vs. perception thing. Because really, that perception is part of our reality, right?

[Kelly]

I hope you kissed code red after that. Melty.

[Aunt Judy]

I LOVE THIS CONVERSATION! You gals are so darn cute, deep, whimsical, mystical, and real.

Can you stand to hear the one that threw me for a loop? Brother George A. many years ago, home from his third mission, informed me that I was snooty and stuck-up and that my best buddy in the ward, Sharon Lunt (one of the most talented, brilliant, eloquent people I've ever known) was a close second in being a "snot." I never could get him to tell me why he viewed me this way, but I had such fun telling Sharon that finally there was something I was better at than she, that of being a snooty stuck-up snob. We laughed for years over that.

Then there was the time a sister, whom I so respected and admired, showed up on my door- step in tears asking me to forgive her for whatever she did to me that caused me to snub her. She said it was ok if I didn't like her, she just didn't want to be guilty of not making amends for doing something wrong to me. I was dumb founded! I pulled her into my arms, cried with her, assured her I loved her completely and asked her why she would ever believe such a thing of me. It boiled down to me not smiling or talking to her in the halls at church.

She became a "messenger" for me. After that I made an effort not to be lost in my own thoughts as I walked the halls at church. I'm six feet tall and above most heads, and when I'm lost in my mind, I guess I'm oblivious to those around me. She held up a mirror to me. After that, I made an effort to smile and speak and save my thoughts for a more private place and time.

I think of Emily Dickinson's verse"

They might not need me,
But they might.
I'll let me head be just in sight.
A smile as small as mine might be
Precisely their necessity.

Never under estimate the potency or power of your smiles, and consider the possibility that beyond our human weaknesses and realities, there truly does dwell that spark of "sunshine in the soul" which finds its way to brighten another's moment.

It's all part of a precious journey...

[Mandi]

Code Red. . . I love that you chose that name - very "you" And how romantically sweet, way to go, chalk one up for Jim!

[Aunt Judy]

Well, Papa Roy walked me through setting up a blog. You're all invited to the "shallow edges of a deep pool" where I wade around.

www.judyhearttoheart.blogspot.com.

[sista #2]

Oh I don't like first impressions! They could be good or bad. I don't like that there are quick judgement calls - like the clothes, looks,hair cut, even the car one drives!

If I am happy at church, well, shouldn't I be!? It's only 3 hours - I put on a smile until I feel like really smiling! Happy is good.

My hubs would've said the same thing -NO. But I would have to say that HE isn't so serious and quiet like he is at church either. It's a reverant place, should be a cheerful one too.heehee -ciao

[Amy]

I definitely love my Code Red boy, if not the bevereage.

[Jill]

Okay, I have NEVER been called elegant ever! That's an unusual compliment isn't it? I have been called cheerful (though not recently). I was so happy in high school that people used to ask me if I was "high" but I definitely was NOT unless Diet Mt. Dew triggered it.

Anyway, I need you to email me stuart_jill@hotmail.com please.

[Cyn]

Amy, you are definitely cheerful! I think it fits the "Amy" of today.