So I haven't posted in nearly two weeks. And starting after such a stop is daunting. Because you feel like something amazing should emerge. Should I post about our trip to Utah? word of the year? new soccer season? Megan's whole wheat waffles? D's upcoming birthday?
A few of those ideas are still half-baked, so I'll start with Utah. Which was a big milestone for me. Did I say "big"? Because I meant "huge". But that's a tangent that requires background, and I'm not sure background will happen with my antsy mood tonight. I'll give it a try with fair warning that this could get jumpy...
I married Jim at 28. Before that, I was a girl who did my own thing completely and regardless (of many things). Example: moved to D.C. with $200 and no job at 21; went to restaurants and movies solo style with no problem; wandered around New York for 10 days by myself. But I think my get-up-and-go confidence was like a rubber band stretched to the max. Because it snapped back (and fast) when Jim became mine. I flew from "in"dependent to "co"dependent in record time.
And only in the past year have I wondered where my former self has gone. The good of her disappearance: I'm much more aware of others. The bad: I often worry that I've half lost myself. A few years ago I had to drive to Flagstaff separate from Jim and my hands shook the entire way. Completely incongruous with the roadtripping fool I once was (my little Accord had many a mile logged at 90+ mph).
Well, last summer was my first "big" trip to Utah. I drove to Cedar City solo (with the littles, that is), and hated every.single.minute of the drive. So when JoDee asked at Christmastime if I wanted to come hang out while Shane hunted in Mexico mid-January, my voice said "yes", but my mind became drenched in dread.
And I spent a few weeks steeling my nerves for the drive.
Well, the worry was needless because I felt some kind of random transformation on the trip. Where it occurred to me that I'm in a terrible habit of dreading. Instead of jumping in to tackle tasks, trips, (whatever!) I let fear fill my mind and sully the joy of the journeying.
The boys were great. I felt relaxed. We listened to books on my i-pod (which was trip-changing in & of itself...thanks for the recommendation, April!). I did not spend my days with JoDee dreading the ride home. A bit of independent confidence has returned. This doesn't mean I'll be offering to haul the toyhauler on the next dune trip, but...it feels good to not be afraid.
Which brings me to another fear JoDee helped me conquer last week. Dread demons have clouded my mind for far too long as I've postponed and prolonged the process of painting my upstairs. So when JoDee talked about wanting to put some color on her walls, I jumped up and said we should do it the next day. And we did. And...somehow...what I dreaded doing in my own home, was an enjoyable task in hers. Making me more determined to come home and beautify my own walls (grateful that they aren't sky high like hers).
(my brother Tyler reaching where our arms would not reach...my fear-facing did not include climbing up very high ladders..maybe next time. likely not.)
I love hanging out with JoDee because she makes me laugh. Who else would hold a paint roller pan on their head up a ladder?
We spent much of the rest of the week admiring our handiwork (we even spackled over about 50 nail holes) and patting ourselves on the back for a job well done.
But also found time to do a little bit of crafting on Thursday. We made gift tags and cards (I'll take & post some pictures because they were simple, but cute). Then spent much of the rest of the day reviewing our handiwork and patting ourselves on the back for a job well done. Again. As we intermittently admired the paint job. Again.
JoDee's kids were in school the whole week, so we got to hang out more than I ever had with Crew (her youngest). He is darling and I've fallen in love with this picture of the boy.
a rare solemn moment for Crew
Most of her kids being at school, coupled with a cold snow-covered backyard, did mean that wrestling my boys through their partial boredom was painful for us both at times. Aidan always does pretty well on a trip for a few days. But by day 3 or 4, he is wanting Home and Dad (in the opposite order, that is). I think he remembered last summer's homesickness because the night before we left he broke down, saying that he needed to take a picture with Dad before leaving.
And echoed that resolve when he woke up the next morning. It was somewhat heartwarming really. How much he loves his dad.
A little co-dependent.
But aren't we all?
Sunday, February 1, 2009 at 09:56PM 
I wish that had been the case tonight, but it did sway the tiny eaters into leaving me a whole lot of leftover blue.
