remembering Conifer

Today Cyn gave me a folder full of treasure - photographs & memories.  I've spent a day flooded in "remember".

I remember my bedroom in the basement, waking up to shuffling, opening curtains to find elk 10 feet away

I remember "celestial Safeway", where everyone was uncannily kind

I remember parking at the bottom, trudging up the mountain in heels (always heels) when the purple camry stationwagon just didn't have enough

I remember running out of gas at 6am in the snow in the 4-Runner, cursing Megan, a half mile (in heels) from the nearest station, warming up to smiles & donuts in "celestial"

I remember retreating from the world, vowing to be the next hermit, nature-loving Thoreau, but realizing quickly that it just wasn't me

I remember our dog neighbor Guy Smiley, endlessly matted fur, but endearing grin, who liked me, dogs don't randomly like me

I remember easy friendships & real people 

I remember missionaries stuck for hours at the house, Elder Fordham wanting to name a daughter Canta, Megs wanting the daughter to be hers

I remember warmth & love & magic & refuge...

I'm not sure how much reality weighs in with this - or any - memory, but I am sure this is how I want to remember this time that honestly felt removed from normal time.

when nothing's on...

Flipping through channels with Jim.  Nothing on, of course (see former post).  He stops on Conan (the Barbarian not the O'Brien).   Governor  Schwarzenegger (as Conan) is strapped to a giant tree, appearing near death in pain & thirst.  A vulture notices and lands on the tree in anticipation of a muscular meal.   Conan twists his neck to grab at the bird with his teeth.  He manages to bite the bird's neck and thrash it to death.  The dead beast drops to the ground. 

(I discovered tonight that you can seriously google image anything.)

 This has to be the most insane & inane thing I've ever seen on television.  Yes, the t.v. must be turned off permanently for flipping.

I'll never know if it got better after that.   

t.v. blues

I know that the past month has been about family & holidays.  I’ve done & enjoyed it immensely.  But…over the past few days I protest when I turn in boredom to my television.  Yes, I want to watch t.v.  But my DVR is empty.  I’ve caught up on everything & there is nothing new. 

I could read.  I could write.  I could fold laundry.  But I seriously just want to know if Cristina & Burke actually stay together.  Will Izzie ever spend her millions?  Pressing questions both.  Then there’s the whole world of Heroes.  I’m completely enveloped.  How dare they create this mind-boggling plot, but leave me in limbo for weeks.  And, of course, I need to know the next Top Chef challenge.  Will the ever-annoying Marcel finally be eliminated?  I want to see him pack his knives & walk out in all his molecular gastronomical glory.  And I need a new Stargate.  I need it NOT to be the last season, but I’ll savor what I can. 

But my DVR is empty.  The December dearth has left me lonely.  Why on earth do all the shows have to go on holiday at once?  They film in advance, so just one could get some prime viewage opportunities in the famine that is currently t.v. land. 

Yes, there are more useful things to be done.  Yes, my desk is a mess of projects.   And, yes, I envy those who do banish t.v. in favor of more worthwhile pursuits.  But, I like & miss my t.v. time. 

100 things

I loved Kel's list (& the others that have followed).  It's so enjoyable to see the quirky, random insides of people.  When I sat down to write my own list I was a little surprised at how much came out.  I kept going on & on, and when I finally numbered them I had nearly 150. So, with some fancy narrowing done, here's my list:

1. I think candy that is not chocolate is a waste of sugar.

2. My first love was Ralph Waldo Emerson.

3. Unless you count one awkward 6th grade moment, my first kiss wasn’t until I was 21.

4. It was not with Ralph Waldo Emerson.

5. My dad sent me a $50 check with a big lipstick kiss on it to celebrate.

6. My family moved 15 times by the time I turned 18.

7. I married a boy with no ounce of gypsy.

8. I love to remember, but do more forgetting.

9. I read the names at my high school graduation.

10. I have spent millions of hours studying Japanese, Chinese & Spanish.

11. I am not fluent in Japanese, Chinese or Spanish.

12. I love Lancome mascara.

13. I use imagination more often than logic.

14. I love office supplies.

15. I’ve lost contact with hundreds of people who I’ve loved.

16. The car I drove in high school started without a key. 

17. I dream of going to culinary school.

18. I gained 60 pounds during my first pregnancy.

19. Fall leaves make me giddy.

20. Hydrangeas are my favorite flower – with none to be found where I live!

21. My bed is never made.

22. I can’t abide a dirty kitchen.

23. I love to cook.

24. I become unreasonably resentful when I do laundry.

25. I’ve lived in Phoenix, Flagstaff, Page, Mesa, Chandler, Gilbert, Scottsdale, Queen Creek, Japan, Provo, Virginia, Denver, and Las Vegas.

26. I love little shops (but only without boys or budgets).

27. I speak before I think.

28. I know it’s cliché, but I actually did honeymoon at Niagara Falls.

29. I married a man with a house.

30. Our wedding reception was in our backyard.  We built a pond & gazebo before the big day.

 

31. I stalked Jim for 3 years before agreeing to marry him.

32. I used to want 10 kids.

33. Now I quite like the number 3. Jim prefers 2.  We're negotiating.

34. I type 100 wpm.

35. I love to eat beautiful food.

36. I have zero coordination.

37. As a child I walked into walls.

38. At BYU, I slipped down the HFAC stairs twice (very gracefully, of course).

39. I play no sports, but do have an intense competitive streak.

40. I slipped & slid across the Roman Gardens' parking lot nearly every winter day of college.

 

41. Thanks to Jim I’ve learned that if you actually look up when an object is thrown to you, it’s not so scary…and odds are that you’ll actually catch said object if you also manage to put your hands up (as opposed to over your cringing eyes) at the same time.

42. I have 3 sisters & 1 brother.

43. I want them all to live by me, but I’m not willing to move to Utah or Iowa.

44. My brother is 31, but he still looks like he’s 21.

45. My mom is an artist.

46. I can’t sit next to my sisters at church (even as adults) because we giggle endlessly.

47. I want more one-on-one time with my 13 nephews & nieces.

48. I once took a 10 day trip to New York completely alone - bliss!

49. I like my eyebrows & spend too much time tweezing.

50. I don’t like my nose…it is round & turns red when I sneeze or cry.

51. I went bowling on my first date, ending up with a mortifying score of 40.

 

52. I took a bowling class at BYU, partnered with the high scorer & worked my way up to 150.

53.  I launched a ball behind me into a crowd while bowling in Japan...more mortification.

54. I was extraordinarily frightened of boys all through high school.

55. That fright lessened only slightly during college.

56. I was extraordinarily in love with studying all through high school.

57. I believe in karma – what you put out comes back to you.

58. I served a mission in Taiwan.

59. I got sick in Taiwain & went to Riverside, California.

60. I got sick in California & finished my mission in Show Low, Arizona.

61. I can make money disappear effortlessly.  It amazes Jim.

62. I enjoy talking on the phone with my sisters, whether it's about something or nothing.

63. I kiss my boys hundreds of times each day & can’t bear the thought of that ever ending.

 

64. I want to be kinder & gentler.

65. I love karaoke (especially Megs singing "T&A").

66. I taught high school English for 4 ½ years.

67. Graduate school, research & teaching at a university is my when-my-boys-grow-up dream.

68. I want to know people’s secret histories.

69. I am typically humbled when I do.

70. I tend to make up secret histories when they are withheld.

71. I love vacations, both at & away from home.

72. I’ve been to Chile, Chicago, Japan, Mexico, Montreal, Quebec City, Prince Edward Island, Niagara, Toronto, New York all over, New England all over, Boston, Portland, Sedona, Montana…

73. My memory fails me quite often.

74. I’m a people watcher.

75. I love old & foreign movies.

76. I was abnormally afraid of driving & didn’t get my license until I was 17.

77. My dad made me drive by dropping me off (unknown) at the repair shop where one of our vehicles was. He sped away. I didn’t have much choice so I drove.

78. He also made me drive from Denver to Conifer by myself  in a snow storm with no windshield wipers.

79. When I concentrate, I look very angry.

80. I love to give food to people.

81. Only nominally funny when healthy, I am hilarious during asthma attacks...and I've had many.

 

82. I graduated from college at 21 when I lost my scholarship.

83. I spent the next few years wandering in both mind & space.

84. I love my Fridays with Mandi & Cyndee (she only works 4 days a week now!).

85. I love to speak in church.

86. I’m sure I’d be scared to death, but I’d love to perform Shakespeare on stage.

87. I love everything C.S. Lewis wrote.

88. I love everything Neal A. Maxwell said.

89. Seven Samurai is one of my favorite movies.  I heard it might be remade.  I have mixed feelings on that.

 

90. I love the generosity & humor of all things Asian.

91. I love zoos, animal parks & nature shows, but not pets.

92. I feel like I’ve lived hundreds of different lives & when I see a familiar face I panic trying to place them in time & space.

93. I love haircuts & hair products.

94. My mood is all too often determined by my hair.

95. I love to plan.

96. I lose my temper, then feel an insane amount of guilt.

97. I want to be like George Washington.

98. I devour books.

99. Some books devour me, and it takes weeks to recover.  This was the latest of that kind:

 

100. I have been blessed in friendship, family & love.

new & More

"In order to have the best year of your life, you must keep opening up to greater realities and be willing to develop latent aspects of yourself. If you insist on clinging to who you are right now, you'll miss the extraordinary opportunity to meet the next greatest version of yourself." Debbie Ford

I met this quote on another blog (thank you Full Instrumental). I love it.

What is the next greatest version of myself?  What a question to consider.  I want to expand, grow, move beyond…yes. But, what latent aspects need awakening?  In rare moments I feel endless untapped potential within, but too often I feel more like all inspiration is shamefully dormant.  Wake up...wake up!

I want to write poetry, read millions of books, teach my children, love my body, give wonder to others’ lives.  Just the beginning.  I am grateful for this journaling that has come to me from the blog world.  A much easier way for me to take time to reach within.  I expected that of blogging.  What I didn't expect was the insane amount of inspiration I feel from reading others' blogs.  I see women who are serving others, building their homes, tapping talents, reaching out & striving to live full, beautiful lives.  I love the creativity.  I love the confirmation that much of life is washed away in crazy for all, but so much that is worthwhile can(Does) still remain.

It makes me want to start the year with New effort...to give more of myself to the unknown, to get down & play more with my boys, to say & show more thank you's, to do more to turn my home to haven, to love Jim more in his own language, to gift myself with more creative hours, to spend more time,effort,All seeking inspiration from Above. A perfect time to Renew & Reinvent.  There's so much More that lies within us all.