it hurts like a mother.

I've been starving my baby.

Nine weeks old and the doctor's scale outed her at a measly 8 pounds 2 ounces.  Last week.

I have a younger sister who long ago adopted "mother" as a sort of curse word for pain.  My own mother was at first perturbed by the "oh mother" of her agonies, and the rest of us would just laugh it off.  But last year I watched this same sister give birth naturally and did not laugh one bit.  In my eyes she earned the right to use the word Mother in absolutely any way she desired.  The experience brought a new level to my physical pain awareness.

As mothers we ouch these babies into being, and our bodies take the toll with the stretching and bleeding and figure shifting that's all part of the deal.  It hurts. 

But nothing compares to the pain of uncertainty that accompanies the calling.  The moments of doubt.  The being slapped with your own imperfection.  The knowing that you might in fact be doing more harm than help for the tiny humans in your care.  I feel this pain when I watch Aidan's temper mirror my own.  When I speak to Davyn harshly.  When I realize I haven't bathed my children in over a week.  And, oh yeah...when I starve my baby. 

Azure is fine, will be fine.  But for her first two months I ignored the little "oh she's so tiny"'s that kept coming my way by pointing out the rolls beginning to gather on her thighs.  Of course, the rolls did exist.  In my mind.  And in the stubborn relief of believing that nursing was finally going to work out perfectly with this third baby.  But when the doctor pointed out the rolls of saggingly empty skin on her belly last week I was flabbergasted and honestly wondered how I had missed this.  I'm her mother.  I should have known. 

But I didn't.  And I consequently spent the better half of last week in self-loathing.  But finally came up with the fact that I just happen to be imperfect, distracted...human.  And that steals nothing from the fact that I love her Heart & Soul.

This is, after all, a growing job.  One that clearly points out inadequacies.  But, also one that lets me bask in creativity and laughter.  One that I do with a good man by my side.  One that will ensure my constant Striving more than any other. 

The dues of hurting like a mother are definitely worthwhile with that kind of ultimate payoff.

Comments

[Jill S.]

It is so hard to know things like this, so don't beat yourself up.

When Landon was about 6 months old he start tilting his head to one side all the time in a rather strange way. Of course it freaked me out and I took him to the doctor because I thought it must be some bizarre disease or preseizure activity, but the doctor couldn't find anything wrong. Then the doctor said it might be something Landon has watched me or Randy do...HELLO! I used to do that many times a day in an effort to stretch out my very tense (thanks to motherhood) right shoulder in an attempt to prevent a tension headache! As soon as I stopped doing it, Landon stopped doing it! Good Hell.

[Jill S.]

P.S. That's a wonderful picture of you two and would especially beautiful framed in black and white.

[Kelly]

You haven't been starving your baby. You have been doing your best to nourish her, and it just hasn't worked out like you hoped. But, I understand that there's nothing closer to your heart than mothering, and so it would be easy to feel that way -- but still, you shouldn't. I agree with Jill -- it's a beautiful picture, and says nothing more than how much you adore this girl.

[Marie]

Oh, I'm so sorry. It really does hurt to find out that something you've tried to do as a mother isn't working.

One thing I am sure of is your mothering is done with love.

I'm so happy to see so many new posts! I love reading a bunch all together.

[Tiffany]

I think being in control as a mom is an illusion, a dream. You think you can will things to be a certain way--but it doesn't always work out how you wish. To bad... I rather like to control things!

All the best with your beautiful girl.

[michelle]

Oh, Amy. I am certainly glad you are past the self-loathing stage! Nothing brings out the worry and doubt in me like mothering. Just be glad you were taking her in for her regular checks so the doctor could monitor her -- that's why we are supposed to do that, so they can see the things we miss!

That darling little girl is lucky to have you for sure.

[Elizabeth]

I can honestly say I have been right where you are now. Fattening up kea has felt like a full time job sometimes. Don't worry the chunk will show up soon. She is so darling!

[Loretta]

I remember my first was such a good baby. Then he started crying....constantly. I took him to the doctor thinking he wasn't getting enough to eat from me nursing him because he ate constantly. The doctor looked at me and said he was fine. My sister-in-law came up to visit at my in-laws. I told her what had been going on. She told me to get my coat, that we were going to the store. She helped me pick out a can of formula. We went home and she showed me how to make him a bottle. I fed him the formula and he quit crying.....and slept....for hours!!! I was so furious with the doctor while at the same time felt inadequate. I couldn't feed the other 5 either. But I am a good mom and they still love me and that's all that matters. :) And your babies love you and that's all that matters in your home.

[April]

I agree that nothing hurts like a mother.

I remember once asking my mom in tears how she could stand it. And oh, the mirror of motherhood...the reflection of all the mistakes...the emotional ones especiialy worse than the physical ones, I think.

I love the picture of you and Azure...steadfast devotion...remember nothing loves like a mother either.

[Brady]

i too starved my baby alexis, i had no clue that she wasn't getting any milk from me, and never understood why she cried constantly for the 1st two months and then it hit me, maybe she was starving! at least you had some one to point this out, i on the other hand had to figure it out myself! two months was a long time with a crying baby! and formula is definitely a blessing, plus it'll save you so much time, maybe the boys can finally get that bath they need!

[Neighbor Jane Payne]

Oh gee. I did the same thing to Ande. Didn't see it until four months. I'm glad you posted this because twenty one years later I haven't forgotten (we even laughed about it AGAIN on her birthday, Monday, but with every laugh I give, I still twinge I was so blind). You put this so poetically and beautifully. Thank you. Maybe I can laugh without the twinge now.

[Price Cream Parlor]

I had no idea that Mothering was so hard. It is the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life and I am great at beating myself up, second guessing myself and spending much time on bended knee. Motherhood does hurt!!
What a precious gift she is to you - but what a wonderful gift YOU are to be HER Mother!!! That photo captures it all!!!
Wish you and your crew all the best this magical time of year!!
Merry CHRISTmas!!!